If Desired

A stock phrase in recipe speak that can make me question everything

Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash

Sometimes it stops me in my tracks. “If desired.” Two small words I’ve read in and written into countless recipes. 

It makes me look at something I really don’t like about myself. 

I am largely estranged from my desires. I have no earthly idea what I want most of the time, in matters culinary, professional, or personal. 

Usually in the “ingredients list” part of a recipe, an easier word is used. 

“Optional.”

You’ll see: Fresh parsley, optional, for garnish.

I interpret that to mean that it’s nice to add if you have it, but it’s not a make-or-break part of the recipe if you don’t. No pressure.

(I know it also sometimes means, “The recipe developer didn’t include this, but when we were taking the photos we thought the food was ugly and needed a pretty decoration.)

I can work with optional.

It’s in the instructions where recipe writers get to the heart of the matter, and pry with their personal questions about what I desire.

“Add the Parmesan cheese, if desired.”

Hey, a minute ago you told me this was optional. Now you seem to be asking me if I want it. Of course I want it! How dare you make me feel this cheese desire I have been trying to squash for 7 years? 

Now, I’m thinking about all the things I want that, for some reason or another, I don’t have. Can’t have. Won’t allow myself to have. 

Or maybe the question is about fresh herbs. I always desire them, but I don’t always have them. Telling me to add fresh parsley if desired as I finish up making a recipe can set off a chain of thoughts like:

If you loved yourself more, you would keep more herbs on hand.

If you weren’t so lazy you’d have a herb garden.

If you were more motivated, you’d go to the store today.

If you were more organized, you would have had this on a meal plan. 

I desire the herbs, but I don’t have them. Why?

The other thing, the most troubling thing, that comes up is when I just don’t know if I desire the thing or not. 

Take pomegranate. It’s a beautiful addition to recipes, and I do love the fruity flavor but I can live without the gritty seed at the heart of each ruby aril. 

Hot sauce. My kneejerk reaction is yes, I want it! I love spicy things. But this is also nothing more than a habit. If I desire hot sauce on a particular taco or chili, I have to say, I don’t really know. 

Can I try it both ways and decide later? 

And all of this makes me think about the bigger things I don’t know if I want.

Do I desire to be a food writer and recipe developer or a health journalist? 

Do I desire driving more often or would I rather be a proud non-driver?

Do I desire a regular yoga practice or a three-times-a-week weightlifting program? 

As a teenager, my favorite musician was Tori Amos. In her song Hey Jupiter, she sings:

“Your apocalypse was fab for a girl who couldn’t choose between the shower or the bath.”

How many times I have stood undressed in the bathroom, shivering, unable to commit to one or the other? 

My parents were very strict and controlling. I had a therapist at one point who suggested that I have so much trouble knowing what I want because as a kid I learned that what I wanted doesn’t matter. 

So I learned the coping skill of not wanting. I’ve been working on overcoming this for years. 

Sprinkle with toasted sesame seeds, if desired. 

If I’m paying attention I will close my eyes and taste the salad with and without the sesame seeds in my mind’s tongue. 

Occasionally, I feel an authentic preference, a genuine desire for sesame. And that feels like progress.

Food and cooking have taught me so much about wanting, hunger, desire. For women, simply feeling the physical sensations of hunger can be tricky. Culturally, we’re taught desiring food is a problem. 

For decades I’ve been trying to surface and honor my desires in the kitchen. What am craving? What am I in the mood for? What would delight me? 

Practicing feeling and satisfying these desires is like training wheels for doing it in the rest of life. 

I recently read “Castelvetrano olives, optional, if desired” and I felt my authentic want for olives bubble up. I added it to my shopping list. 

Now, I need to prioritize my own desire enough to go get it.